Deep Breath

Had a good portion of Matt's family together today and it was pretty awesome.  Loud, but awesome.  Okay . . . most of the "loud" was coming directly from the 3 1/2 year old . . . *sigh*  He loves to be around family, he is such a social creature.  But man does his personality magnify tenfold!  It is really hard to get him to "come down" after a visit with family. 

How do you find that balance between teaching your child acceptable social parameters and stifling their character?  Ethan gets very bossy and sassy at times and I admit that some of it is pretty humorous.  Some times I can tell he is saying sassy things for effect.  If I laugh too much is he going to think he is getting the upper hand?  Is it even about that?  There are days when I feel so confident as a parent.  Days where I don't yell, I take deep breaths and I try to not over explain.  I say things like, "See?  Mommy is being polite and using nice words." and he responds with a similar attitude.  Then there are the days that I'm holding onto that pipe like Helen Hunt in Twister praying that strap will hold and I won't get sucked up into the tornado. 

I feel like Toby is changing before my eyes.  I'm at that stage where my job with him (nursing and comforting) is fading into the distance.  I'm trumped by anything and every one else.  The only time he reaches for me now is when he is super hungry.  I miss him clinging to me and holding my arms tight like a lil' monkey when I carry him around.  Now he is lunging out of my arms at the nearest person/thing.

This is the time that I should practice the whole live in the moment, hands-free parenting, no distractions (oh you get the picture) parenting.  I read all these inspirational things about other moms really having eye opening moments.  Connecting with their kids and rockin' out as a mom/wife.  Why do I still feel like I'm in survival mode?  What am I missing?  Am I just going to feel like this forever?  That I'm hanging onto the tail of a peregrine falcon diving straight for the ground?  Or is this how I feel RIGHTNOW and I'm having a hard time clearing the fog? 

Why is it so taboo with moms to tell it like it is?  Are we supposed to smile and tell everyone that our children are the light of our lives (well, that part is true) and we are all just perfect?

My personality is such that if I tell the truth about how things are going I've been told it sounds distinctly like complaining.  I find this hard to parse out since I don't see it as complaining.  If a family member calls me on the phone and asks me how I'm doing and I answer honestly then I'm complaining?  Why can't I just say that things are hard that day?  I'm trying NOT to be a negative person but if I just say, "Oh we are all peachy!" I feel I'm doing myself a disservice since my family IS my support system.  If they don't hear the truth then who will?   

These ramblings . . . aforementioned struggles . . . need to be shared.  It is cathartic for them to be typed out - black & white.  If I don't get them OUT they will fester.  I'm not a miserable person nor am I miserable.  I love my boys with every single fiber of my being, but I do worry I'm not a good enough mom to raise them properly.  It is a great change to become a mom, even if that is all you've ever dreamed of becoming.  It took me a long time to reach the point where I wanted to jump on this bandwagon.  And I'm damned happy to be here.  But the sky isn't always clear.  There are cloudy days and thunderstorms.  I just think every mom has the right to share the truth about parenting.  Our children might be amazing creations but they challenge us in ways that are indescribable.