The Winds of Change . . .

On the heels of Toby weaning cold turkey I realized that it was time for me to go back to work.  I had been maintaining that "when Toby weaned" I would look for a job, but truth be told I had been vacilliating quite a bit lately on the whole matter.  Something about your "last baby" makes you hold so tight that your knuckles ache.  Regardless of the weaning, he is STILL my baby and the thought of leaving him in someone else's care during the day sends me into an apoplectic fit. 

But, at the end of the day, this is an amazingly wise decision.  There are the obvious benefits . . . like the financial aspect, but also the emotional benefits of being a person of worth again in society at large.  I have felt a bit in exile being a SAHM.  I absolutely love being with my boys.  I could eat and drink them up all day and still want to hold them all night . . . but the rest of it is for the birds.  The challenges are obvious.  Finding a job that will justify the cost of daycare for Toby. 

I did find a listing on Friday night that was incredibly appealing (maybe a little exciting) and I mailed in my resume, cover letter, and application the next morning.  Thus far, this is the sole listing that had a salary that would conquer the aforementioned challenge.  I don't truly think I will get this job, and I continue to scour all online listings for openings.  But it would be nice to hope just a little.

It is strange to think of going back to work after 4 years of being at home.  I've enjoyed some of the staying at home - mostly just the boys like I said - but also the clothes part.  It sounds ridiculous, I'm totally aware of this, but my closet is filled with yoga pants and old maternity clothes.  I do have a few nicer things but over the years with fluctuating weight and not being in the work force, the vast majority of my nicer "office" clothing was donated or packed away.

Still . . . I'm excited.  I NEED this.  We need the money and I need a job.  So, here is hoping that employment rides the winds of change because I sorely need the opportunity . . . 

Well . . . 2014 you suck so far . . .

I had high hopes for 2014 but so far we've all just been horribly sick!  I caught the flu for the first time in my recent memory and the kids are persisting with fevers, coughing and runny noses.  The fatigue is killing me.  I have no voice and I've taken to eating chocolate to keep my sanity.  This has worked, although any thoughts of eating "better" have gone out the window.

Toby has taught himself how to climb the stairs and can do it in a blink (seriously, I am switching to adult diapers - the shit that goes down while I'm in the bathroom . . .)  So I've put up new gates and done a few other Toby proofing things.  Hopefully I can keep him safer without wrapping him in bubble wrap!!!  Oh, I don't think I mentioned that he took one final swan dive out of his crib (he stuck the first landing - not the second) and so now he is in an official "toddler bed."  It has made nap striking . . . interesting.  Ugh.  But there is nothing cuter than watching him climb into his own bed and curl up with his Bunny when he is tired . . . cooooo.

Poor Ethan has felt so punk lately.  Ironically both boys had doctor's appointments this week for vaccinations.  I flat out canceled Toby's appointment but with Ethan's persistent fever I suspect an ear infection.  We'll see tomorrow.

Also, after this sickness has abated I'm turning off the TV for good.  I fear I hear Ethan's brain sizzling from all the TV he has watched in the past week.  But he has no energy for much else and even Toby is placated if it is Bubble Guppies or the like. 

Although, I doubt I will ever get the theme song for Phinneas & Ferb out of my head . . .

It is what it is . . .

Under normal circumstances, the phrase, "It is what it is," seriously rankles me.  It implies that there is no possibility of change.  However; I've learned that sometimes it can act as a statement.  A gentle nudge to move on from a situation that is/has/will occur in a manner that you simply cannot change. 

In plain words, December sucked.  Toby weaned during a stomach virus that steamrolled our house, I had to say goodbye to Luka GrizzleFrizz, I missed my family so terribly it hurt and we endured many power outages due to rolling ice and snow storms.  Christmas seemed muted despite the visiting family and gifts to the littles.  I had put up a tree, but Matt and I struggled with holiday cheer.

I always tell myself that next time, things will be better.  That in the kid's eyes, they had a wonderful time.  They got to hug on family and received fun presents.  Christmas is for them.  But I wanted it to be for all of us.  Sometimes, given circumstances whether financial, emotional or physical . . . it is what it is.  We did the best we could to make sure the kids were happy and we achieved that.

New Year's also seemed muted.  Having been here for a year, there were no parties to attend, no friends to hang out with and it seriously bothered Matt.  For me, I was content to hang out and spend time with him once the kids were in bed!  Talk about a sign of the times!!  I'm okay with my "party days" being over.  I'm okay with being "boring" and hanging out at home.  But not everyone is like that . . . but, sometimes it is what it is.

So, Happy New Year. 

The littles are cheerful this morning, fed and playing.  The sounds of their talking, laughter and story telling fill my house.  I remember a plaque that hung in our house when I was growing up that said, "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  Well, in my house, if my kids are happy and Matt is happy, I'm on Cloud 9.  Sign of the times?  Maybe.  But I'm pretty easy to please.  Chocolate, coffee, a good book and maybe a good first person shooter (computer game for you n00bs) and I'm a happy camper.

P.S.  I still haven't cut Toby's hair.  I recently stared putting conditioner in it and his curls are GLORIOUS!