Mirror

Being a mom has presented me with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. 

The highs exponentially outweigh the lows, but the lows have everything to do with my identity and drill down to the core of "me." 

The most remarkable thing about being a mother (to me) is that my children are a mirror.  You can see IN REAL TIME how your behavior, mood, and speech affect your children.  Obviously I'm a newbie in terms of this observation as my rascals are (almost) 2 and 4 1/2 but still . . . this is the time where I am shaping some of the blocks of their foundation. 

The fun part about this is that they come with their own set of blocks.  Their blocks are not perfect, some are malleable and some are just who they are in the most basic way.  It is our job to work around the immovable blocks, shape the malleable ones and add our own (very important) blocks.

The HARD part is what I see in my "mirror."  Things Ethan says to himself when he is frustrated mimic phrases I use when I'm muttering.  My impatience (low blood sugar, hormones, evil pixies, etc.) bleeds off onto Ethan and he, in turn, gets whiny and prone to bursting into tears.  My divided attention for myriad reasons means that he wants to rush speaking to me and is starting to stutter again.

I KNOW in my heart that what I do, say and act affects my children profoundly.  I am AWARE.  They are my mirror.  And they are the most amazing thing that I've helped create and nurture. 

At the end of the day, when they are safely tucked in bed and I feel like that 70lb rucksack has been shed . . . I feel peaceful.  I am content that they are safe and happy and well cared for, but I'm also thankful I can just focus on myself for one freakin' moment.  I've said it before, I'm in the trenches right now, things will get better.  Well . . . they will be different. 

Parenting is practically nebulous at this stage, it flows, changes and rockets in directions that you can't anticipate.  While my parenting has become more psychological than physical it is also incredibly MORE challenging.  I feel as if I'm on a stage all the time.  I am held accountable for my actions . . .  not by my peers but my children.  And that, my dear folks, is a good thing.  But it also means that relaxation is fleeting and contemplation (beyond this drivel) is evasive. 

This Mother's Day all I want to do is sleep in, read and drink coffee.  I know it won't happen, and that is okay . . . because I will have all the time for that in the world when they are grown up and leave the house.  I can't even begin to imagine.  I wish, to some degree, that they would stay little forever. 

Far & Away & Home Again

I'm not exactly sure why the end of this winter has been so tough. 

I've never been one to squander in the winter blues, but I was clearly swept away by the doubt and sad monsters. 

Now that spring has a firm hold and I've completely a mad dash south to stock up on hugs I feel I'm climbing out of my wee hole.

I'm focusing more on using my Filofax (finally found the one that I'm comfortable using!) and organizing the household better.  Oh my travels in the Filofax World . . . a post for another day.  I promise.

My father is in surgery right now.  As I type.  There are a handful of unknowns and quite a few knowns about this procedure that make me a tad nervous.  Hence my short jaunt down South sans kiddos.  I'm very thankful I went, even if my house is a holy disaster after being gone for a week.  Woods walking with my Paw is a magical event.  Getting Momma hugs is priceless. 

My to-do list ate my to-do list.  I think I should get that tattooed on my ass.

Oh!  But I've got some great things lined up for the kids in the next few months.  Events that we attended last year as well as some fun outdoor activities as part of Venture Vermont.

And in "Me Time" news, this week I'll be attending TWO (2!) mommy only events.  I'm also going to a writing seminar next Monday which should be good for me.  I have yet to participate in the actual Writer's Workshop group that I joined last year but I'm closer than ever.

Spring tidings and more to come . . . 

I am okay.

Tread softly

Don't stir the doubt

The winds are mercurial

. . .  and I am without.

Just one embrace

To chase away the dark

Two heart beats pound

 . . .  . insistent as a morning lark

Cradle them

Someone cradle me

Tripping along this journey

. . . . can't you see?

Stretching so far

Reaching so high

Joyous little voices

. . . just don't cry.

Like a willow

Waving in the wind

So strong and supple.

. . . . please don't break just bend.

Dear Facebook . . .

Dear Facebook,

You are hogging all the pictures of my children and also, eating up all of my time.

I've read ad nauseum of people taking a break from Facebook.  In truth, I already block and or "unfollow" most of the people/sites that annoy me.  I love my family and friends but sometimes opinions differ and I'm not about to open cans o' worms with people over differing political views, etc.  I won't be taking a break because on most days I feel like it is my "connection" to other moms, events and also watching family grow up (and I'm missing all of it . . . love you Chloe.)

However, it is SO easy to just plop some adorkable picture of my kid up on there for all (who want to) see and feel like I've "shared."  My need to verbalize, albeit in typing form, is falling by the wayside.  I never want to put too much information on Facebook.  Mainly because I refuse to use it as a complaint board or a diary, but also because it is a snap shot representation of myself.  If I want to ramble . . . I have a frickin' blog for that!

Also, I've been in a funk.  The decreasing number of blog posts probably gave it away.  And, for the one of you that reads this (hi mom and/or dad) I'm sorry.

Maybe for the first time in my life I got the winter blues?  Who knows but this winter was a bit jagged around the edges for me.  But, what ho?!  Sun shining?!  Mud everywhere?!  ROBINS!!!!! 

Yesh.  Spring has sprung.  I have so many pictures I need to share . . . on here.

Life is messy and unpredictable and can be scary and also completely glorious.  Even when I go through dark patches, my kids are the lights in the darkness and eventually I find my bootstraps and pull myself out of the hole.  I'm emerging . . . I promise . . . more adventures to come!

P.S.  I think Matt and I are buying a bread maker.  I'm about to get all Betty Crocker on your asses.  Stay tuned.

The Littles

So,  we did it.

We adopted two precious lil' four-pawed brudders.

I found them on Craigs List.  Just typing that sort of weirds me out because CL can be a bit skeevy but I thought, "What the hey."  I had experienced a very bad exchange with an adopter in NY.  A gorgeous lil' coon boy will not get a furever home because of those nutbags but it is okay. 

Because we found these guys.  (These first round of pictures were taken by the first mommas.)

Finnegan and Jasper

They were very well loved and cared for and fit right into our home like they belonged here.  Being so well adjusted and also very tightly bonded, I didn't worry too much about keeping them in their bathroom apartment for a few days.  It was a relief.  Initially, as you would suspect, Baxter and Cricket were having none of them.  But within a week Baxter and Jasper were fast friends.  Finnegan is a bit more reticent to approach the cats but he loves the dogs and has no fear around them.

Jasper has latched on to Matt and Finnegan prefers me.  They are both still a bit fearful of Toby but who could blame them :)  His exuberant shouts and chasing of them just to give them a hug are a bit intimidating.

We had them neutered on Wednesday and Jasper woke up like nothing had happened.  Finn had a much rougher time of it but they are both right as rain now. 

Here are some updated pictures of them.  I'm so very happy and blessed to have them come into our lives.  It has been a welcome joy.

Jasper Leopardis Pardalis - 6 months

Finnegan begging for Baxter Rufus to play!

Finnegan Felis Catus - 6 months

Little Finn - although he is now within half a pound of Jasper - he was a whole pound plus lighter when we adopted them.

Jasper King of Cuddles

One of their favorite sleeping spots - out of Toby's reach.

Totally stressed out.

The "Littles" who are fast becoming not so little.  Welcome to the Jeans Clan!

All of the words . . .

. . . . and no pictures.

So.  I have fallen into this habit of taking pictures with my iPhone, falling into the pit fall that millions of other busy moms do . . . and one of the things I swore I would never do.  This is partially because I cant' find the charger for the battery that goes to my awesome camera.  And partially because Toby is insanely fast and nimble now and the time for taking pictures at my leisure is just over.

So the things that have been going on that I've taken pictures of and not uploaded yet are . . .

-  Toby's haircut (yes, yes, I know.  You WILL get pictures.)
-  Railroad Show!
-  Copious play dates (not sure how many pictures will come from this . . .

Winter is loosening its hold and poor March is ugly indeed.  Although it DID snow last night, I'm still thinking spring is on the way.  Living in the northeast long enough to see snow on Memorial Day I'm not phased by winters last spurts of dominance.  The roads are getting squishy, all the roadside snow is crackly and black and there is a lot of slushy puddles.

The kids are amazing.  Toby is at an age where everything he does makes me laugh or cry . . .or both.  I've passively started potty training, knowing full well he will probably be 3 before it is all said and done.  But I can dream. 

I've actually dressed up like a real live woman and gone out sans kids like FOUR TIMES in the past few months which is four times more than last year.  Oh wait . . . three times more.  I bought shoes, dresses and work attire for when I hopefully (oh goodness PLEASE) get a job.

I'm missing my family more than ever . . . the absence of their loving chaos over Christmas is very keen right now.  And Matt and I agreed to pursue adopting a cat since I've been weepy and out of balance since the loss of the Mighty Roo.  I know many folks will think we are insane to take on more, and that is fine for them to have opinions.  But I know in my heart that I will feel more at ease with three felines and how awesome will it be for the kids?  Well, since I'm the one who will shoulder the care I certainly don't mind.  Then again, I'm truly a crazy cat lady at heart.

I've fallen in love with my Filofax and have been using it daily.  I'm still very behind on things like meal planning but I'm limping along.  I'm chipping away at projects, slowly but surely.  Always catching up on laundry and yet I've been able to keep the kitchen relatively clean lately (a complete victory!)  Chore charts are great things.

Toby is crazy vocal, quite the mimic and very strong and agile.  He has such a unique personality, it is amazing to watch him plow through the day, sometimes being soft, but mostly being quite bold.  Ethan is amazing.  He loves school and is such a sponge.  His love of animals and dinosaurs is amazing to me (although I admit to being the foundation for most of it - as is Matt.)  I'm sure if Matt loved cars then Ethan would be all about the cars.  Toby never stood a chance and loves dinosaurs as much if not more than Ethan. 

This year will be very different than last year just by virtue of the kids ages.  I'm starting to plan Toby's 2nd birthday party and that is completely messing with my mind.  Two . . . 2 . . . TWO.  Ugh.  My lil' guy. 

Oh, Ethan got his 4 year vaccines and barely missed a step.  I was shocked, frankly, as I'd heard they were tough on kids.  Despite some redness at the injection site, he never once complained.  That's my boy!  They've both been to the dentist now and Ethan was AMAZING  . . . did I already write this?  X-rays and cleaning all by himself while I wrangled the lil' rascal.

Anyway, that is enough rambling.  Life is always chaotic in some manner.  I'm focusing on being honest with myself, honest with others and surrounding myself with positive energy.  We've had enough negativity and convoluted falsely based gossip to last us eons after this past year.  Pictures to come . . . when I get them one by one off my phone!!

Roller Coaster

The past month has been an interesting roller coaster of physical and mental challenges.  Some were quite wee (Toby had his first haircut - but that will be another post entirely,) some were much larger and the physical had to do with some crushing fatigue.  I never set out to share my physical struggles on this blog and I still won't but my lack of updating is sometimes an indication of the old adage, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all."

I'm still job hunting although losing my steam a bit . . . not one call back but I DID get one email rejection (woot.)  It is daunting.  Knowing that the biggest hurdle is the pay.  I have to get paid enough to put Toby in daycare and make it WORTH it.  There are so many jobs in this area I know I'll find something.  And I gave myself a mental deadline that is months away but still . . . I'm far too impatient for my own good.

I've fallen out of cooking as much and it is making me sad.  I love cooking and had fun with it but with the fatigue came the "easy" breakfast dinners and quick pasta meals that were mostly home made but still . . . sauce in a jar.  Oh, I "prepared" meals but there is nothing like making a meal from scratch. 

So, with my motivation waning, my confidence fizzling and my house a wreck I invested in . . .


*drum roll*

A Filofax.

Go on.  Google it.  It is an English thing.  Oh, it is JUST a planner.  But I've decided to make this wee planner my WORLD.  I've utterly failed to keep up with my life on my snazzy most awesome iPad mini.  So far I'm still working on it - but what I have accomplished is working out pretty darn well.  My biggest hurdle right now is economy of movement and use of time in my house.  I'm literally to the point where I want to time myself doing activities so that when I look at it later they don't feel so daunting.  "Want to sit on the couch Jen?  Why not take 8 minutes and sweep all the floors."  That type of thing.  My next step is to write messages to myself on Post -It notes and put them all over the house.

I will get out of this funk by sheer stubbornness - watch me!!  Rawr!

On a completely different note, the boys are awesome and trouble makes and Ethan ate all of my Valentine's chocolates for breakfast one morning and I love them so much I want to burst all the while hoping that Ethan stops eating that damned toothpaste and picking his nose . . .