I am okay.

Tread softly

Don't stir the doubt

The winds are mercurial

. . .  and I am without.

Just one embrace

To chase away the dark

Two heart beats pound

 . . .  . insistent as a morning lark

Cradle them

Someone cradle me

Tripping along this journey

. . . . can't you see?

Stretching so far

Reaching so high

Joyous little voices

. . . just don't cry.

Like a willow

Waving in the wind

So strong and supple.

. . . . please don't break just bend.

Dear Facebook . . .

Dear Facebook,

You are hogging all the pictures of my children and also, eating up all of my time.

I've read ad nauseum of people taking a break from Facebook.  In truth, I already block and or "unfollow" most of the people/sites that annoy me.  I love my family and friends but sometimes opinions differ and I'm not about to open cans o' worms with people over differing political views, etc.  I won't be taking a break because on most days I feel like it is my "connection" to other moms, events and also watching family grow up (and I'm missing all of it . . . love you Chloe.)

However, it is SO easy to just plop some adorkable picture of my kid up on there for all (who want to) see and feel like I've "shared."  My need to verbalize, albeit in typing form, is falling by the wayside.  I never want to put too much information on Facebook.  Mainly because I refuse to use it as a complaint board or a diary, but also because it is a snap shot representation of myself.  If I want to ramble . . . I have a frickin' blog for that!

Also, I've been in a funk.  The decreasing number of blog posts probably gave it away.  And, for the one of you that reads this (hi mom and/or dad) I'm sorry.

Maybe for the first time in my life I got the winter blues?  Who knows but this winter was a bit jagged around the edges for me.  But, what ho?!  Sun shining?!  Mud everywhere?!  ROBINS!!!!! 

Yesh.  Spring has sprung.  I have so many pictures I need to share . . . on here.

Life is messy and unpredictable and can be scary and also completely glorious.  Even when I go through dark patches, my kids are the lights in the darkness and eventually I find my bootstraps and pull myself out of the hole.  I'm emerging . . . I promise . . . more adventures to come!

P.S.  I think Matt and I are buying a bread maker.  I'm about to get all Betty Crocker on your asses.  Stay tuned.

The Littles

So,  we did it.

We adopted two precious lil' four-pawed brudders.

I found them on Craigs List.  Just typing that sort of weirds me out because CL can be a bit skeevy but I thought, "What the hey."  I had experienced a very bad exchange with an adopter in NY.  A gorgeous lil' coon boy will not get a furever home because of those nutbags but it is okay. 

Because we found these guys.  (These first round of pictures were taken by the first mommas.)

Finnegan and Jasper

They were very well loved and cared for and fit right into our home like they belonged here.  Being so well adjusted and also very tightly bonded, I didn't worry too much about keeping them in their bathroom apartment for a few days.  It was a relief.  Initially, as you would suspect, Baxter and Cricket were having none of them.  But within a week Baxter and Jasper were fast friends.  Finnegan is a bit more reticent to approach the cats but he loves the dogs and has no fear around them.

Jasper has latched on to Matt and Finnegan prefers me.  They are both still a bit fearful of Toby but who could blame them :)  His exuberant shouts and chasing of them just to give them a hug are a bit intimidating.

We had them neutered on Wednesday and Jasper woke up like nothing had happened.  Finn had a much rougher time of it but they are both right as rain now. 

Here are some updated pictures of them.  I'm so very happy and blessed to have them come into our lives.  It has been a welcome joy.

Jasper Leopardis Pardalis - 6 months

Finnegan begging for Baxter Rufus to play!

Finnegan Felis Catus - 6 months

Little Finn - although he is now within half a pound of Jasper - he was a whole pound plus lighter when we adopted them.

Jasper King of Cuddles

One of their favorite sleeping spots - out of Toby's reach.

Totally stressed out.

The "Littles" who are fast becoming not so little.  Welcome to the Jeans Clan!

All of the words . . .

. . . . and no pictures.

So.  I have fallen into this habit of taking pictures with my iPhone, falling into the pit fall that millions of other busy moms do . . . and one of the things I swore I would never do.  This is partially because I cant' find the charger for the battery that goes to my awesome camera.  And partially because Toby is insanely fast and nimble now and the time for taking pictures at my leisure is just over.

So the things that have been going on that I've taken pictures of and not uploaded yet are . . .

-  Toby's haircut (yes, yes, I know.  You WILL get pictures.)
-  Railroad Show!
-  Copious play dates (not sure how many pictures will come from this . . .

Winter is loosening its hold and poor March is ugly indeed.  Although it DID snow last night, I'm still thinking spring is on the way.  Living in the northeast long enough to see snow on Memorial Day I'm not phased by winters last spurts of dominance.  The roads are getting squishy, all the roadside snow is crackly and black and there is a lot of slushy puddles.

The kids are amazing.  Toby is at an age where everything he does makes me laugh or cry . . .or both.  I've passively started potty training, knowing full well he will probably be 3 before it is all said and done.  But I can dream. 

I've actually dressed up like a real live woman and gone out sans kids like FOUR TIMES in the past few months which is four times more than last year.  Oh wait . . . three times more.  I bought shoes, dresses and work attire for when I hopefully (oh goodness PLEASE) get a job.

I'm missing my family more than ever . . . the absence of their loving chaos over Christmas is very keen right now.  And Matt and I agreed to pursue adopting a cat since I've been weepy and out of balance since the loss of the Mighty Roo.  I know many folks will think we are insane to take on more, and that is fine for them to have opinions.  But I know in my heart that I will feel more at ease with three felines and how awesome will it be for the kids?  Well, since I'm the one who will shoulder the care I certainly don't mind.  Then again, I'm truly a crazy cat lady at heart.

I've fallen in love with my Filofax and have been using it daily.  I'm still very behind on things like meal planning but I'm limping along.  I'm chipping away at projects, slowly but surely.  Always catching up on laundry and yet I've been able to keep the kitchen relatively clean lately (a complete victory!)  Chore charts are great things.

Toby is crazy vocal, quite the mimic and very strong and agile.  He has such a unique personality, it is amazing to watch him plow through the day, sometimes being soft, but mostly being quite bold.  Ethan is amazing.  He loves school and is such a sponge.  His love of animals and dinosaurs is amazing to me (although I admit to being the foundation for most of it - as is Matt.)  I'm sure if Matt loved cars then Ethan would be all about the cars.  Toby never stood a chance and loves dinosaurs as much if not more than Ethan. 

This year will be very different than last year just by virtue of the kids ages.  I'm starting to plan Toby's 2nd birthday party and that is completely messing with my mind.  Two . . . 2 . . . TWO.  Ugh.  My lil' guy. 

Oh, Ethan got his 4 year vaccines and barely missed a step.  I was shocked, frankly, as I'd heard they were tough on kids.  Despite some redness at the injection site, he never once complained.  That's my boy!  They've both been to the dentist now and Ethan was AMAZING  . . . did I already write this?  X-rays and cleaning all by himself while I wrangled the lil' rascal.

Anyway, that is enough rambling.  Life is always chaotic in some manner.  I'm focusing on being honest with myself, honest with others and surrounding myself with positive energy.  We've had enough negativity and convoluted falsely based gossip to last us eons after this past year.  Pictures to come . . . when I get them one by one off my phone!!

Roller Coaster

The past month has been an interesting roller coaster of physical and mental challenges.  Some were quite wee (Toby had his first haircut - but that will be another post entirely,) some were much larger and the physical had to do with some crushing fatigue.  I never set out to share my physical struggles on this blog and I still won't but my lack of updating is sometimes an indication of the old adage, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all."

I'm still job hunting although losing my steam a bit . . . not one call back but I DID get one email rejection (woot.)  It is daunting.  Knowing that the biggest hurdle is the pay.  I have to get paid enough to put Toby in daycare and make it WORTH it.  There are so many jobs in this area I know I'll find something.  And I gave myself a mental deadline that is months away but still . . . I'm far too impatient for my own good.

I've fallen out of cooking as much and it is making me sad.  I love cooking and had fun with it but with the fatigue came the "easy" breakfast dinners and quick pasta meals that were mostly home made but still . . . sauce in a jar.  Oh, I "prepared" meals but there is nothing like making a meal from scratch. 

So, with my motivation waning, my confidence fizzling and my house a wreck I invested in . . .


*drum roll*

A Filofax.

Go on.  Google it.  It is an English thing.  Oh, it is JUST a planner.  But I've decided to make this wee planner my WORLD.  I've utterly failed to keep up with my life on my snazzy most awesome iPad mini.  So far I'm still working on it - but what I have accomplished is working out pretty darn well.  My biggest hurdle right now is economy of movement and use of time in my house.  I'm literally to the point where I want to time myself doing activities so that when I look at it later they don't feel so daunting.  "Want to sit on the couch Jen?  Why not take 8 minutes and sweep all the floors."  That type of thing.  My next step is to write messages to myself on Post -It notes and put them all over the house.

I will get out of this funk by sheer stubbornness - watch me!!  Rawr!

On a completely different note, the boys are awesome and trouble makes and Ethan ate all of my Valentine's chocolates for breakfast one morning and I love them so much I want to burst all the while hoping that Ethan stops eating that damned toothpaste and picking his nose . . .

The Winds of Change . . .

On the heels of Toby weaning cold turkey I realized that it was time for me to go back to work.  I had been maintaining that "when Toby weaned" I would look for a job, but truth be told I had been vacilliating quite a bit lately on the whole matter.  Something about your "last baby" makes you hold so tight that your knuckles ache.  Regardless of the weaning, he is STILL my baby and the thought of leaving him in someone else's care during the day sends me into an apoplectic fit. 

But, at the end of the day, this is an amazingly wise decision.  There are the obvious benefits . . . like the financial aspect, but also the emotional benefits of being a person of worth again in society at large.  I have felt a bit in exile being a SAHM.  I absolutely love being with my boys.  I could eat and drink them up all day and still want to hold them all night . . . but the rest of it is for the birds.  The challenges are obvious.  Finding a job that will justify the cost of daycare for Toby. 

I did find a listing on Friday night that was incredibly appealing (maybe a little exciting) and I mailed in my resume, cover letter, and application the next morning.  Thus far, this is the sole listing that had a salary that would conquer the aforementioned challenge.  I don't truly think I will get this job, and I continue to scour all online listings for openings.  But it would be nice to hope just a little.

It is strange to think of going back to work after 4 years of being at home.  I've enjoyed some of the staying at home - mostly just the boys like I said - but also the clothes part.  It sounds ridiculous, I'm totally aware of this, but my closet is filled with yoga pants and old maternity clothes.  I do have a few nicer things but over the years with fluctuating weight and not being in the work force, the vast majority of my nicer "office" clothing was donated or packed away.

Still . . . I'm excited.  I NEED this.  We need the money and I need a job.  So, here is hoping that employment rides the winds of change because I sorely need the opportunity . . . 

Well . . . 2014 you suck so far . . .

I had high hopes for 2014 but so far we've all just been horribly sick!  I caught the flu for the first time in my recent memory and the kids are persisting with fevers, coughing and runny noses.  The fatigue is killing me.  I have no voice and I've taken to eating chocolate to keep my sanity.  This has worked, although any thoughts of eating "better" have gone out the window.

Toby has taught himself how to climb the stairs and can do it in a blink (seriously, I am switching to adult diapers - the shit that goes down while I'm in the bathroom . . .)  So I've put up new gates and done a few other Toby proofing things.  Hopefully I can keep him safer without wrapping him in bubble wrap!!!  Oh, I don't think I mentioned that he took one final swan dive out of his crib (he stuck the first landing - not the second) and so now he is in an official "toddler bed."  It has made nap striking . . . interesting.  Ugh.  But there is nothing cuter than watching him climb into his own bed and curl up with his Bunny when he is tired . . . cooooo.

Poor Ethan has felt so punk lately.  Ironically both boys had doctor's appointments this week for vaccinations.  I flat out canceled Toby's appointment but with Ethan's persistent fever I suspect an ear infection.  We'll see tomorrow.

Also, after this sickness has abated I'm turning off the TV for good.  I fear I hear Ethan's brain sizzling from all the TV he has watched in the past week.  But he has no energy for much else and even Toby is placated if it is Bubble Guppies or the like. 

Although, I doubt I will ever get the theme song for Phinneas & Ferb out of my head . . .